home

is a fabulous thing.

except for my time spent in raleigh, i have never known homesickness like a felt in canada. working the fair circuit in canada was absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done. the first city i worked was in calgary. i ran a crazy bike which is a game where you have to ride a bike ten feet. the trick with the bike is that the steering is opposite, so you steer the handle bars to the right, the wheel's going to the left. most days there's a ten o'clock work call for eleven o'clock opening. work until midnight thirty or one o'clock, turn around and do it all again. until sunday when it's free pancake breakfast and you have eight o'clock call after closing seven hours earlier and the crowd is so massive that you're fighting them to get the joint open. i have literally worked my ass off; in the six weeks i was gone i've lost ten to twenty pounds. it's been great. not only for my figure but also for my self-esteem. i have had more guys flirt with me than i ever thought i would. oh, and south african men are absolutely gorgeous. NAME is the corporation that supplies all the rides on the midway and they get there help from south africa and oh my goddess bless. mmm mmm mmmmmmm. scrumptiousness everywhere you turn.

anyways, if i don't stop i'll start drooling on my new laptop. that's right, that's what i got out of the deal, a brand new laptop and an 80G ipod. not a bad six weeks worth of working. but i'm glad to be home. i'm exhausted. i hope the past six weeks has treated everyone else justly.

as a woman's perogative...

i have changed my mind about plans for the summer. instead of keywest i am going to canada, leaving as soon as possible. my dad has a friend who runs the canadian fair circuit and we are going to help him out for at least the month of july, maybe even through to the end of october/november. it's very exciting. i'm a bit nervous (i haven't worked a game since i was 15?). but there's the possibility of making a thousand bucks a week. that's good money. and i'm excited.

anyway, i need a bed. ciao!

nostalgia

whenever there are more than three members of my family together, it's a party. but most especially when some are from out of town.

tonight, after all the kids had left, my grandmother, a couple of aunts, an uncle and i were sitting around reminiscing. and, as most reminiscences do in my family, they centered around the carnival. in the midst of it my grandmother asks my uncle (who has that title by marriage) if the fact that we were a carny family and all the work he did helping out while courting my aunt was ever a deterrent. of course he said no, that it was an adventure that he enjoyed most minutes of.

but that made me realize i'm never going to have that. without getting into the whys and wherefore's, a year and a half ago the carnival life, my family's living heritage, was stripped from our backs. and, among other things, it's just sinking in that i won't have those memories of putting my someone through that contest/adventure. and it hurts. all of the sudden i found myself with silent tears rolling down my cheeks at that realization.

certainly not darfur but...

a question for the masses:

is it possible to kiss someone not related to you and it not be romantic/sexual in any way?

i'm not talking a peck on the cheek or a quick smooch on the lips. i'm talking a longer-than-necessary slight-tingling-in-the-lips kind of kiss.

i have a guy friend that i spent the day with a while ago. he's a cute one, love him to death, but i've never been all that attracted to him. yet, for whatever reason, there was more than one moment that day where i had the intense urging to lay one on him.

i asked my dad that night about it (usually i don't ask my dad's opinion about such things but we were both tired and he was driving home and i didn't feel like dying that night) and he had the suggestion that maybe what i really wanted was a way to express the profound love i have for my friend. that there was nothing sexual in it.

i like that idea. but i don't know if that's really the case.

so back to my original question: is it possible to kiss someone not related to you and it not be romantic/sexual in any way?

get back to me as soon as you can.

hello again

well. it's been a long time. i believe that last time i wrote anything i was still in raleigh, in the midst of packing. that is no more. i have long been home and am more certain than ever that it was the right decision for me.

since i've been home i have been fairly busy, namely in getting a job. i am a lab tech at ritz camera in the mall. that basically means i develop pictures. i haven't taken any summer courses but do plan on starting at phcc in the fall. in the mean time, when i'm not working, i am visiting family (i plan on visiting some in the keys for 2 weeks in july), reading, taking pictures of my own (which will soon be uploaded), and making more crafty projects for me to do than i will probably ever get done in my life. i have also reconnected with a few high school friends and have been spending a little time with them.

but enough about all that. i have an acquaintance through this blog whom i've been emailing and we had a conversation a while back about how annoying and boring it is when people's blogs are devoted entirely to the inconsequential meanderings of their lives. who cares what the cute thing your pet did is? another first date for the records? get in line. talk to the world about stuff that matters, not your thoughts on the paris hilton crap that replaces headlines of darfur in the media.

and with that thought in mind i will do my utter best to follow suit.

Book of Shadows

so, whenever i thought of starting a book of shadows i always pictured that it'd have to be perfect. and i knew that if i was trying to keep it perfect that i would obsess over it and it would get to the point where i would spend all my time trying to make it look "right". so i've decided not to start out with the big tome that i'd want to pass down through the generations. i'm going to start small. they sell these moleskin booklet thingys at borders that i've liked for a while, i'm going to buy a pack of those and just begin with them. then, in the next few years, after i've saved money and know exactly what i want, i'll get the perfect BoS and transfer everything. that way i can start having everything in one place and not worry about how it looks. of course, knowing me, i'll probably still obsess a little anyway.

photo 1 pics

.great-granpa e.j. gordon's crystal ball.

.don't know which shot i like better.

.smb atrium ceiling.

.haha.

.sad sam and ms. spider.

.sad sam hiding in the bushes.

depression

since last semester i have been depressed, but it wasn't until late november that i was able to label what was wrong. by that point the depression had had a negative effect on my grades and there was nothing that i could do to improve them. i went to a few meeting with a counselor at the counseling center before i left for the winter holidays, but then i was home and with family and thought that i was 100% ready to return and get out of academic probation. then, my first day of classes, i got really sick and was out of commission for 4 days and i fell back into it. it wasn't until i had gone 4 days (later on in the month) without talking to anyone, truthfully without leaving my room, that muzz and mom decided that enough was enough and they came up to help me turn this around.

at this point i do want to say that i never once had any thoughts of harming myself or anyone else, but it was still a very dark place to be.

they came, were here for a week, and when they left i had some structure, was getting more help, and thought that i could pull myself out of this. i haven't been successful and for the past week and a half the phrase 'take a leave of absence' has been running through my head. so i finally decided that that's what i am going to do.

i am currently withdrawn from meredith college, am in the process of packing, and being on my way home. i'm excited about it too. i view this as a time to get a job, take a few courses at hcc, and, most importantly, figure myself out, who i am, what i'm doing here, that sort of thing. i'm happy in the knowledge that i finally know SOMETHING that's right for me, and this is. mucholuvoh everyone!

it's not enough

i have hit the age where familial love is not enough and i hate it. as short a time as a year and a half ago i sat myself down and told myself to let the guys go, focus on grades and getting into college and having fun, and don't let your lack of a man stress you out. let your family and friends fill that void.

and i've tried doing that this year, actually when i got to nc in august and since then, but it hasn't worked.

i feel like the void has gotten bigger, to the point where it's gaping wide open, and only a first love can fill it. and i don't know what to do about it. i mean, i'd look for a guy during the summer, but then i'm coming back to raleigh in august so i feel like, what's the point? but then i think that maybe the point is to get the experience, my dad's always saying how do i learn what i like/want if i don't experience anything, and go out on a few dates, get some knowledge on the dating world, that way i can come back and be more confident in the way i act.

i don't know yet what i will do, take it as it comes i guess, but part of me feels like something needs to happen in the romance department for me to move forward.

but we'll see...

'Funeral Blues' - W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffice policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever, 'I was wrong'

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

'what's past is prologue'

shakespeare said that in his play 'the tempest', and i agree. i mean if we think about it, everything that happens in our past, no matter how insignificant, effects who we are today, the choices we make, the roads we travel. and those choices determine who we become.

but i think it's more than just our past shaping our future (goodness, how many cliches can one girl use in a blog?). i think relationships, significant ones without closure or a definitive ending, can circle around from the past and reoccur in our future. not reoccur in the same way but happen again, either to expand on the connection between you and the other person, or to end the connection entirely. and it might take multiple circles for the connection to die.

wild horses

that song by natasha beddingfield is exactly how i feel.

dream1

i've had the strangest dream.

i dreamt that i was in a co-ed dorm that had HUGE suites. i'm straddling a chair, the tv is on in the corner and the door to the hall is left ajar. next thing there's this girl that walks in and sits with me. i knew her, her name was tiffany and she was a year ahead of me in high school, only this is supposed to be college. we're talking (can't remember what about) when this guy who i've never seen before walks in and he sits down. he's holding something (can't remember what) and talking to tiffany, he obviously likes her a lot. after a while he gets up and leaves and tiffany groans, saying that he's really sweet and everything just not her type and all and how she should probably get up and get a shower and go to class. so she leaves. the next thing i remember is going down stairs and ending up in a corridor that looks exaclty like the hall i lived in during high school, talking to mr. fairweather, then chasing after a dog that looked just like (only a bit bigger) kerby, uncle jeff and aunt kathy's new pup. once i corral the dog and get him back upstairs i'm straddling the chair again and in again comes tiffany. after a while of pretending to watch tv another person walks in. and it's johnny depp (if this isn't weird i don't know what is) and he's got a camera, 35 mm i think, and he starts taking pictures, focusing mainly on tiffany. well, i'm trying to avoid the lens, i've got my elbows up on the back of the chair in front of me and my hands are blocking most of my face. my face is angled toward the tv so he really can't get a shot of me. then i turn toward him. he's stopped shooting tiff and is looking at me with a smile on his face and in his eyes that says, 'are you gonna let me do it?' and i do. i smile and put my hands on my face in a w form below my eyes, kind of cradling my head, and put all my teasing expression into my eyes and he starts snapping photos.

before i can change poses my alarm clock woke me up.

what does this mean? weird, huh?

the unattainable

why is it that we want what we can't have?

i have wanted someone my entire life, obsessively, and i've finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want me and will never want me, but i still can't stop thinking about him and about scenarios that could play out in the future. i don't even know what it is about this guy that pulls me in so strongly. he's not the best looking, and he's definately not the nicest guy around, but still, he has a magnetic pull on my heart strings that i can't wrench free from.

why do we do this to ourselves? is it in human nature? it seems that as far back as time goes mankind has wanted what was just out of reach. and if it is in human nature, why haven't we evolved enough to drop that specific trait?

why do we want what we can't have?

traveling pants

is it weird that i relate and identify so much with fictional characters from books, movies, and tv? does anyone else do this?

the author of the traveling pants series personified all my conflicting parts in her four main characters. i can relate to each one in different ways.

in tibby i see the darker side of my life and the part of me that doesn't care what people think.

i see in bridget the part of me that loved(s) to run. when i run i get in a zone where all my thoughts are organized. i feel like if i run hard enough, if i push myself faster, that nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me. i also see the part of me that craves physical intimacy. [single minded to the point of distraction.]

carmen's my physical self. bigger than a number of girls, she doesn't feel comfortable with herself most of the time. she's also the writer. she's the one with unexpressed anger.

but it's lena that i connect with closest to my heart. she's the one who doesn't really know who she is, where she's going, or what she wants to do. in the movie lena is afraid. she puts walls up without knowing why. she doesn't have unconditional faith. she has everything, she has lost nothing, but she can't open herself to love, as much as she might want to.

when it comes to the females of the population i'm good. i open up fairly easily and it's not too hard for me to trust them. but put a guy in the mix and i'm not really the same person. it takes me a long time to get emotionally involved with a guy, and that's just when we're trying to be friends. the one guy i ever really wanted to open up to didn't want anything to do with me. looking back on the "men" that i've tried to be romantically involved with, i've never truly been interested in any of them. my interest was always sparked by someone else, either by continuously pointing them out or by claiming that he was already crushing on me. there's only one guy that i'd say my interest is personally founded in and he's the same one who doesn't want anything to do with me.

i wasn't even remotely attracted to the guy i went on my first date with . i said yes to him just to get it over with. and it wasn't even a good date!

i mean when the guy comes along, am i even going to be open enough to let him close? i want to be.

and is this an underlying reason why i chose a women's college?

flirting

i must have been born without the gene that allows a person to recognize flirting and to be able to flirt back. it's 1:40 am and i'm up babbling. but seriously, sometimes i think i'm stuck in elementary school. i mean, i've been told that i can flirt, that people have seen me do it and i'm not blatant or anything about it, but i can never recognize it when i'm on the receiving end and i never know how to respond. i mean, did i miss that day in 8th grade when they seperated the girls from the boys and taught us all that? i don't know, why am i even thinking about this when i have to be up in less than 6 hours? but i'm almost 20, i've never had a good romantic relationship, heck, i've never even been kissed. i'm tired of it and i think i've waited long enough. sometimes i wish i was the type of girl that could just go up to a guy and kiss him, just to get it over with. but i never have the nerve. it probably doesn't help that the little girl in my head still views her first kiss as something special, something that should be perfect and memorable. then the realistic older inner self says, idiot, your first kiss has a 95% chance of being terrible, just get it over with. i don't know. i do know that i need to go to bed. maybe i'll turn my music off and try meditating. you know, even if no one reads this, it's nice to have an outlet. g'night everyone.

Practical Magic

I have a question for the masses.

Is it weird, or wrong, to change an aspect of your life based on a movie?

About a month ago I watched a movie titled "Practical Magic." After viewing this movie I had this sense of homecoming, and I couldn't stop watching it.

I have been searching for the past five or six years to find the religion, if you will, that suits me. My entire family is some sort of Christian, but Christianity has never sat well with me; I don't feel comfortable in it. When I was fourteen I became conscious of my lack of spiritual sustenance and that the whole it had formed needed filling. I first turned to Celtic Paganism, researching and learning what it is, and seeing if it fit me. I did lite research for the next 3 years or so then, after being guided through a spirit quest by a friend of my aunt Judy's, I studied Native American Spiritualism. But after a while I came to the realization that everything I was reading was too vague for my needs, so I was adrift for some time.

Then this movie came back into my life and I feel that I have found where I belong. I read my books on the subject and I have a sense of completion, at least as far as spirituality goes.

So, back to my question: does it really matter what causes the spark of realization to what's right for you?