photo 1 pics

.great-granpa e.j. gordon's crystal ball.

.don't know which shot i like better.

.smb atrium ceiling.

.haha.

.sad sam and ms. spider.

.sad sam hiding in the bushes.

depression

since last semester i have been depressed, but it wasn't until late november that i was able to label what was wrong. by that point the depression had had a negative effect on my grades and there was nothing that i could do to improve them. i went to a few meeting with a counselor at the counseling center before i left for the winter holidays, but then i was home and with family and thought that i was 100% ready to return and get out of academic probation. then, my first day of classes, i got really sick and was out of commission for 4 days and i fell back into it. it wasn't until i had gone 4 days (later on in the month) without talking to anyone, truthfully without leaving my room, that muzz and mom decided that enough was enough and they came up to help me turn this around.

at this point i do want to say that i never once had any thoughts of harming myself or anyone else, but it was still a very dark place to be.

they came, were here for a week, and when they left i had some structure, was getting more help, and thought that i could pull myself out of this. i haven't been successful and for the past week and a half the phrase 'take a leave of absence' has been running through my head. so i finally decided that that's what i am going to do.

i am currently withdrawn from meredith college, am in the process of packing, and being on my way home. i'm excited about it too. i view this as a time to get a job, take a few courses at hcc, and, most importantly, figure myself out, who i am, what i'm doing here, that sort of thing. i'm happy in the knowledge that i finally know SOMETHING that's right for me, and this is. mucholuvoh everyone!

it's not enough

i have hit the age where familial love is not enough and i hate it. as short a time as a year and a half ago i sat myself down and told myself to let the guys go, focus on grades and getting into college and having fun, and don't let your lack of a man stress you out. let your family and friends fill that void.

and i've tried doing that this year, actually when i got to nc in august and since then, but it hasn't worked.

i feel like the void has gotten bigger, to the point where it's gaping wide open, and only a first love can fill it. and i don't know what to do about it. i mean, i'd look for a guy during the summer, but then i'm coming back to raleigh in august so i feel like, what's the point? but then i think that maybe the point is to get the experience, my dad's always saying how do i learn what i like/want if i don't experience anything, and go out on a few dates, get some knowledge on the dating world, that way i can come back and be more confident in the way i act.

i don't know yet what i will do, take it as it comes i guess, but part of me feels like something needs to happen in the romance department for me to move forward.

but we'll see...

'Funeral Blues' - W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffice policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever, 'I was wrong'

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

'what's past is prologue'

shakespeare said that in his play 'the tempest', and i agree. i mean if we think about it, everything that happens in our past, no matter how insignificant, effects who we are today, the choices we make, the roads we travel. and those choices determine who we become.

but i think it's more than just our past shaping our future (goodness, how many cliches can one girl use in a blog?). i think relationships, significant ones without closure or a definitive ending, can circle around from the past and reoccur in our future. not reoccur in the same way but happen again, either to expand on the connection between you and the other person, or to end the connection entirely. and it might take multiple circles for the connection to die.

wild horses

that song by natasha beddingfield is exactly how i feel.

dream1

i've had the strangest dream.

i dreamt that i was in a co-ed dorm that had HUGE suites. i'm straddling a chair, the tv is on in the corner and the door to the hall is left ajar. next thing there's this girl that walks in and sits with me. i knew her, her name was tiffany and she was a year ahead of me in high school, only this is supposed to be college. we're talking (can't remember what about) when this guy who i've never seen before walks in and he sits down. he's holding something (can't remember what) and talking to tiffany, he obviously likes her a lot. after a while he gets up and leaves and tiffany groans, saying that he's really sweet and everything just not her type and all and how she should probably get up and get a shower and go to class. so she leaves. the next thing i remember is going down stairs and ending up in a corridor that looks exaclty like the hall i lived in during high school, talking to mr. fairweather, then chasing after a dog that looked just like (only a bit bigger) kerby, uncle jeff and aunt kathy's new pup. once i corral the dog and get him back upstairs i'm straddling the chair again and in again comes tiffany. after a while of pretending to watch tv another person walks in. and it's johnny depp (if this isn't weird i don't know what is) and he's got a camera, 35 mm i think, and he starts taking pictures, focusing mainly on tiffany. well, i'm trying to avoid the lens, i've got my elbows up on the back of the chair in front of me and my hands are blocking most of my face. my face is angled toward the tv so he really can't get a shot of me. then i turn toward him. he's stopped shooting tiff and is looking at me with a smile on his face and in his eyes that says, 'are you gonna let me do it?' and i do. i smile and put my hands on my face in a w form below my eyes, kind of cradling my head, and put all my teasing expression into my eyes and he starts snapping photos.

before i can change poses my alarm clock woke me up.

what does this mean? weird, huh?