why is it that we want what we can't have?
i have wanted someone my entire life, obsessively, and i've finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want me and will never want me, but i still can't stop thinking about him and about scenarios that could play out in the future. i don't even know what it is about this guy that pulls me in so strongly. he's not the best looking, and he's definately not the nicest guy around, but still, he has a magnetic pull on my heart strings that i can't wrench free from.
why do we do this to ourselves? is it in human nature? it seems that as far back as time goes mankind has wanted what was just out of reach. and if it is in human nature, why haven't we evolved enough to drop that specific trait?
why do we want what we can't have?
Monday, February 26, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
traveling pants
is it weird that i relate and identify so much with fictional characters from books, movies, and tv? does anyone else do this?
the author of the traveling pants series personified all my conflicting parts in her four main characters. i can relate to each one in different ways.
in tibby i see the darker side of my life and the part of me that doesn't care what people think.
i see in bridget the part of me that loved(s) to run. when i run i get in a zone where all my thoughts are organized. i feel like if i run hard enough, if i push myself faster, that nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me. i also see the part of me that craves physical intimacy. [single minded to the point of distraction.]
carmen's my physical self. bigger than a number of girls, she doesn't feel comfortable with herself most of the time. she's also the writer. she's the one with unexpressed anger.
but it's lena that i connect with closest to my heart. she's the one who doesn't really know who she is, where she's going, or what she wants to do. in the movie lena is afraid. she puts walls up without knowing why. she doesn't have unconditional faith. she has everything, she has lost nothing, but she can't open herself to love, as much as she might want to.
when it comes to the females of the population i'm good. i open up fairly easily and it's not too hard for me to trust them. but put a guy in the mix and i'm not really the same person. it takes me a long time to get emotionally involved with a guy, and that's just when we're trying to be friends. the one guy i ever really wanted to open up to didn't want anything to do with me. looking back on the "men" that i've tried to be romantically involved with, i've never truly been interested in any of them. my interest was always sparked by someone else, either by continuously pointing them out or by claiming that he was already crushing on me. there's only one guy that i'd say my interest is personally founded in and he's the same one who doesn't want anything to do with me.
i wasn't even remotely attracted to the guy i went on my first date with . i said yes to him just to get it over with. and it wasn't even a good date!
i mean when the guy comes along, am i even going to be open enough to let him close? i want to be.
and is this an underlying reason why i chose a women's college?
the author of the traveling pants series personified all my conflicting parts in her four main characters. i can relate to each one in different ways.
in tibby i see the darker side of my life and the part of me that doesn't care what people think.
i see in bridget the part of me that loved(s) to run. when i run i get in a zone where all my thoughts are organized. i feel like if i run hard enough, if i push myself faster, that nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me. i also see the part of me that craves physical intimacy. [single minded to the point of distraction.]
carmen's my physical self. bigger than a number of girls, she doesn't feel comfortable with herself most of the time. she's also the writer. she's the one with unexpressed anger.
but it's lena that i connect with closest to my heart. she's the one who doesn't really know who she is, where she's going, or what she wants to do. in the movie lena is afraid. she puts walls up without knowing why. she doesn't have unconditional faith. she has everything, she has lost nothing, but she can't open herself to love, as much as she might want to.
when it comes to the females of the population i'm good. i open up fairly easily and it's not too hard for me to trust them. but put a guy in the mix and i'm not really the same person. it takes me a long time to get emotionally involved with a guy, and that's just when we're trying to be friends. the one guy i ever really wanted to open up to didn't want anything to do with me. looking back on the "men" that i've tried to be romantically involved with, i've never truly been interested in any of them. my interest was always sparked by someone else, either by continuously pointing them out or by claiming that he was already crushing on me. there's only one guy that i'd say my interest is personally founded in and he's the same one who doesn't want anything to do with me.
i wasn't even remotely attracted to the guy i went on my first date with . i said yes to him just to get it over with. and it wasn't even a good date!
i mean when the guy comes along, am i even going to be open enough to let him close? i want to be.
and is this an underlying reason why i chose a women's college?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
flirting
i must have been born without the gene that allows a person to recognize flirting and to be able to flirt back. it's 1:40 am and i'm up babbling. but seriously, sometimes i think i'm stuck in elementary school. i mean, i've been told that i can flirt, that people have seen me do it and i'm not blatant or anything about it, but i can never recognize it when i'm on the receiving end and i never know how to respond. i mean, did i miss that day in 8th grade when they seperated the girls from the boys and taught us all that? i don't know, why am i even thinking about this when i have to be up in less than 6 hours? but i'm almost 20, i've never had a good romantic relationship, heck, i've never even been kissed. i'm tired of it and i think i've waited long enough. sometimes i wish i was the type of girl that could just go up to a guy and kiss him, just to get it over with. but i never have the nerve. it probably doesn't help that the little girl in my head still views her first kiss as something special, something that should be perfect and memorable. then the realistic older inner self says, idiot, your first kiss has a 95% chance of being terrible, just get it over with. i don't know. i do know that i need to go to bed. maybe i'll turn my music off and try meditating. you know, even if no one reads this, it's nice to have an outlet. g'night everyone.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Practical Magic
I have a question for the masses.
Is it weird, or wrong, to change an aspect of your life based on a movie?
About a month ago I watched a movie titled "Practical Magic." After viewing this movie I had this sense of homecoming, and I couldn't stop watching it.
I have been searching for the past five or six years to find the religion, if you will, that suits me. My entire family is some sort of Christian, but Christianity has never sat well with me; I don't feel comfortable in it. When I was fourteen I became conscious of my lack of spiritual sustenance and that the whole it had formed needed filling. I first turned to Celtic Paganism, researching and learning what it is, and seeing if it fit me. I did lite research for the next 3 years or so then, after being guided through a spirit quest by a friend of my aunt Judy's, I studied Native American Spiritualism. But after a while I came to the realization that everything I was reading was too vague for my needs, so I was adrift for some time.
Then this movie came back into my life and I feel that I have found where I belong. I read my books on the subject and I have a sense of completion, at least as far as spirituality goes.
So, back to my question: does it really matter what causes the spark of realization to what's right for you?
Is it weird, or wrong, to change an aspect of your life based on a movie?
About a month ago I watched a movie titled "Practical Magic." After viewing this movie I had this sense of homecoming, and I couldn't stop watching it.
I have been searching for the past five or six years to find the religion, if you will, that suits me. My entire family is some sort of Christian, but Christianity has never sat well with me; I don't feel comfortable in it. When I was fourteen I became conscious of my lack of spiritual sustenance and that the whole it had formed needed filling. I first turned to Celtic Paganism, researching and learning what it is, and seeing if it fit me. I did lite research for the next 3 years or so then, after being guided through a spirit quest by a friend of my aunt Judy's, I studied Native American Spiritualism. But after a while I came to the realization that everything I was reading was too vague for my needs, so I was adrift for some time.
Then this movie came back into my life and I feel that I have found where I belong. I read my books on the subject and I have a sense of completion, at least as far as spirituality goes.
So, back to my question: does it really matter what causes the spark of realization to what's right for you?
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