flirting

i must have been born without the gene that allows a person to recognize flirting and to be able to flirt back. it's 1:40 am and i'm up babbling. but seriously, sometimes i think i'm stuck in elementary school. i mean, i've been told that i can flirt, that people have seen me do it and i'm not blatant or anything about it, but i can never recognize it when i'm on the receiving end and i never know how to respond. i mean, did i miss that day in 8th grade when they seperated the girls from the boys and taught us all that? i don't know, why am i even thinking about this when i have to be up in less than 6 hours? but i'm almost 20, i've never had a good romantic relationship, heck, i've never even been kissed. i'm tired of it and i think i've waited long enough. sometimes i wish i was the type of girl that could just go up to a guy and kiss him, just to get it over with. but i never have the nerve. it probably doesn't help that the little girl in my head still views her first kiss as something special, something that should be perfect and memorable. then the realistic older inner self says, idiot, your first kiss has a 95% chance of being terrible, just get it over with. i don't know. i do know that i need to go to bed. maybe i'll turn my music off and try meditating. you know, even if no one reads this, it's nice to have an outlet. g'night everyone.