it's not enough

i have hit the age where familial love is not enough and i hate it. as short a time as a year and a half ago i sat myself down and told myself to let the guys go, focus on grades and getting into college and having fun, and don't let your lack of a man stress you out. let your family and friends fill that void.

and i've tried doing that this year, actually when i got to nc in august and since then, but it hasn't worked.

i feel like the void has gotten bigger, to the point where it's gaping wide open, and only a first love can fill it. and i don't know what to do about it. i mean, i'd look for a guy during the summer, but then i'm coming back to raleigh in august so i feel like, what's the point? but then i think that maybe the point is to get the experience, my dad's always saying how do i learn what i like/want if i don't experience anything, and go out on a few dates, get some knowledge on the dating world, that way i can come back and be more confident in the way i act.

i don't know yet what i will do, take it as it comes i guess, but part of me feels like something needs to happen in the romance department for me to move forward.

but we'll see...